In the book, Shameem Kazmi discusses the five different forms of shame that we all experience. There is the shame that we feel on the inside, the shame that is self-delusion and we don’t even know we are suffering from it. We are just ashamed of how we act and what we look like, and we don’t even know why. This shame is not only a limiting factor, it is also one of the primary drivers of a dysfunctional relationship.
The shame that comes from the inside, though it feels good to be covered up, is just as damaging as the shame that is seen externally. It takes away our self-respect and destroys our sense of worth Shameem Kazmi. The shame that comes from the outside puts us in situations that are stressful and dangerous. The shame that comes from the inside destroys the self-esteem and integrity of those who suffer from it and they have no way of recovering from it. This shame is an “impetus,” a force that pushes us towards failure and separation from others.
Different forms of shame come at different times in different lives. As a matter of fact, everyone experiences some form of shame or another. It is part of who we are and often something we can’t help but to experience. Different people deal with their shame in different ways. Shame is a powerful emotion, but it can be tempered by the willingness to take responsibility for our own actions and the ability to forgive those who have harmed us.
The different forms of shame we experience are: Compulsion, Determination, Anxiety, Hostility, Phobia, Regret, and Worry. Shame is a very complex emotion, but we can think of some common threads in which all of the different types of shame stem from. When someone is feeling shame, they are trying to make changes in their own life that aren’t working. If someone is bound by shame, they will be very reluctant to take crucial steps to change a problematic situation in their life or in the lives of those with whom they interact.
People who are bound by shame also feel different kinds of pain. Painful shame is when a person feels bad about themselves, but does not know how to fix the problem. This type of shame prevents people from taking critical steps to solve problems, and often makes them procrastinate.
In some cases, when shame comes on, we may feel different emotions. We may be ashamed, embarrassed, fearful, or worried. All of these emotions are rooted in our shame. Understanding what all of these feelings are helping us get over our shame and move forward.